Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Mental Breakdown

An hour before, they announced our holiday.
The moment I heard 23-26th Dec, I immediately I had a serious mental breakdown. What the hell man! That's too short. I had my plan, I promised Ethan that I'll come up to Penang. Hell yeah, now everything got cancelled. For half an hour I started with cursing and screaming, then ended up grieving alone at one corner. I just recalled, I'm a soldier. 
"Holiday is a privilege, it's not a necessity." this phrase from my instructor is enough to keep my mouth shut and keep up with the training. Actually, all I've ever wanted was having my own time with family and friends on my birthday. It has been 9 long years, the only birthday celebrated at home was 2 years back and I requested from my parents to go for 212km Broga ride instead of a buffet dinner. I just wanna have a day of freedom, do whatever I love doing. 9 times birthday in this camp:

2003 - Marching for Passing Out although I'm not in the parade
2004 - Marching for Passing Out but this time I'm in the contingent.
2005 - alone on Tunas Samudera's texting my friends
2006 - Passing Out & Graduation
2007 - In UPNM
2008 - If not mistaken, I was in UPNM
2009 - Broga Ride 212km
2010 - I was tied on a chair and splashed with dirty water by my comrades
2011 - Gonna Present my Final year project.

4 days of holidays, imagine those from Sabah & Sarawak, Kelantan & Terengganu or JB... this last minute announcement gave them enough trouble to get bus ticket in a rush. Whatever it is, I'm a soldier boy, my voice will not be heard. Our job, to preserve country's democracy, but not to practice it in the forces. I really gave my teenage, my life, my soul, my all to the service. I'm not expecting any changes on the holiday date, I just wanna let everything out to feel better, in this tiny space of mine. This feeling, only those who undergo Officer Under Training's routine for more than 5 years will understand.

when friends ask 
"hey why can't u go out?"
"what for wakie early for morning parade?"
"shine shoes? nonsense"
"why roll call every weekend?"
"when can u freely eat at the cafe?"
"who do u report to every single day?"
"what's extra drill? what's forward roll? why have to carry logs? why during study week gotta be punished"

the best part
"why did u join UPNM?"

my answer:
"I wanna become an IRONMAN"
this routine have been pushing my patience and limit to extremities. everyday is like an Ironman's training.  

 Life like this, is like a monk's life. If I'm able to resist temptations, eat moderately and more compassionately, probably my life will be happier, calm and stable. I won't complaint when the food tastes horrible, I won't feel attached to anybody, there'll be nothing that i'm attracted to.

"siapa suruh masuk tentera... kalau tahu begini jadinya..." most cadets will start singing this song when we are under pressure. this is to remind us, that we've signed contract with the government and just go on with our lives as a soldier boy.

1 comment:

missalya hamed said...

sedihnya tuan.. em. sabar ye tuan. setahun je lagi dalam upnm. like people said, besusah2 dulu, things wll be better then. chaiyok! :D