Monotony

Military life has always been dull and monotony. The fact that black and white is everything in the service, making this monotony routine less colourful. The way I describe military : perseverance, pain, toughness, bold. Freedom of speech isn't in the list. Even when u have yr very personal problems, u keep it to yourself and keep on moving. I've been lying low lately, not as productive as before. I had some very serious personal problem, it has been bothering me for quite a while. Although I try to keep myself occupied, from time to time when I think about it, it does stings me. Even busy with projects and exams, the flashback really hurts me. This is the cause of me losing appetite, and slowly lose weight. As for now, 4kgs dropped already.

At one point, I was self pitying and grieving, not wanting to move on, just wanna hide in my cocoon and cry out loud. I feel like my patience and mental toughness is being tested to the limit. I became a stalker instead of an active Blogger. But I don't like what I saw. Being too observant, I saw every single details. I was about to break, but I didn't. I never absent from military trainings, I proceed with my projects and resume my normal life. It takes all I have to look strong, portray myself as a tough cadet. The truth it, the crack in me is propagating. However hurt I am, I never quit. Every morning 1800 over cadets parading in front of mess cadets, all has got our own problems that bother our mind. But all appear to be tough and stand tall while singing the Armed Forces hymn out loud. Everyone is masquerading.

For months I dare not blog abt my feelings, right now I feel like letting everything out. Knowing that my readers are mostly people around me, I've been thinking a lot before writing. Can't believe that it takes great courage to voice out in my own space. This is my blog, to record my thoughts. That's the consequences of having a blog with high hits. Popularity does have it drawback.

Everything happens for a reason. And I'm the kind of person who is curious to know the reason for things to happen. I take charge of my life, I don't wait for things to happen. My survival experience in the military tell me to be competitive in order to survive. Many times, I don't follow what I feel. The heart has got no brain, no logic. The mind do the thinking, the heart will just reconfirm whether it is a good move. If I make a serious decision without serious considerations, I will have to bare full responsibility for my acts, and probably regret for the rest of my life. Decisions always come with impact and effect, be it the bright or the dark side of it. The dark side of my move has dragged me through the valley of pain. 2 months of hell made everything so clear and conscious. I know what I don't want in life. I feel down and upset for losing it, but I'm clear with my acts. Hope to crawl out of this dark tunnel of suffering soon, the sooner the better.

One thing for sure, I'm mature enough to think what's best for me. I'll be presenting my Final Year Project on my birthday. Hope to do well in it. It's gonna be the rebirth of Chan Jun Shen, stronger, bolder and tougher.

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